Productivity Guilt

Growing up I was raised to be productive. Whenever my mom saw me lounging around or playing, she’d tell me to 抓紧时间, which translates into literally “seizing the day.” Time was not for wasting, and there was always something to do. Keep studying, keep learning, keep getting better.

Over time that sentiment manifested into a strong sense of overachieving ambition that has motivated me to excel in things. I do well in school because I spend time studying and I have a wide range of hobbies in which I spend time slowly mastering. I’m a perfectionist, a competitive Type-A workaholic, and success-oriented enneagram Type 3 achiever who sets annual goals, is married to my planner, and makes spreadsheets to track my happiness.

However, this tendency to glorify busyness and achievement also spawned lots of anxiety, traumatizing guilt, and self-sabotaging procrastination. My thoughts are constantly in conflict, fluctuating between “I need to do more” and “there is so much to do that I’m overwhelmed and will watch TV now.” I’m literally afraid of doing nothing, fearing that if I stop working hard, I will suddenly become worthless. If I’m not productive, the life I created for myself will cease to exist.

Once in a while I stay up late at night, panicking about the amount of things I have on my plate. I start making a list…

work
school
gym
meal-prepping
freelance work
hobbies
challenging myself to try new hobbies
my own art projects
seeing friends
planning travel
personal health
personal finance
reading the news
anxiety about all of the above
the list goes on…

Obviously, the quarantine has put a dent in everything at the moment. Luckily I’m at my parents’ house at the moment spending this weird indefinite period of time with my family. Being in my childhood home and having some extra time to fill has also allowed me to revisit my childhood, evaluate my current adult-ish life, and get existential. Now that I’m a quarter-century old, would the 10-year-old Sophia who slept on this same bed in this same little bedroom be proud of the person I’ve become? Is current me the person I want to be? Should I be working smarter instead of harder at my goals?

This is a growing process. One of my resolutions is to stop feeling this productivity guilt. Being off social media and caring less about comparing my journey to others’ definitely helps. Realizing I don’t have to follow a timeline and reach milestones at a certain age helps. Knowing that if I just accomplish three things a day is enough helps. Having a laid-back, even-tempered Type B boyfriend who never gets stressed helps. I don’t need to inherit my mom’s Type A personality and I don’t need to be always working. I need to embrace that some days are for rest, and that I have to actively make a priority to do… absolutely nothing.